1 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,142 Something is wrong with Gizmo lately. 2 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:10,711 He's morose, distracted. 3 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,613 Like a man with a secret. 4 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,082 I mean, he's still a perfectly adequate familiar. 5 00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:17,351 But there's just something not right about him. 6 00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:19,319 What it is, I don't know, 7 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,787 but I intend to find out. 8 00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:22,656 So we're all here. That's good. 9 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,259 -If I can have your undivided attention - What? 10 00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,127 -for a few minutes? -Absolutely not. - No. 11 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,496 So, aren't you actually a vampire now? 12 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,999 -Hmm? -Didn't you pay your friend Derek 13 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,334 -to turn you into a-- -We're not talking about that right now. 14 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,003 He's behaving unusually. 15 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,471 If there's anyone that can get 16 00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:38,338 to the bottom of this kind of thing, it's me. 17 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,407 Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms. 18 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,780 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 19 00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:50,317 ♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 20 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:52,586 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 21 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:54,721 ♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 22 00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:59,493 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 23 00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:02,429 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪ 24 00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:04,565 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 25 00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,500 ♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪ 26 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,146 -As I was saying-- Couple of questions. First one: 27 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,048 -Why? And also, -Okay, you know what? 28 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,783 -who gives you the right? Okay, I was just-- 29 00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:24,451 I have a follow-up to that. 30 00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:25,352 Okay. 31 00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:27,688 Yeah. 32 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,023 Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson, please. 33 00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,092 I would like to hear what Guillermo has to say. 34 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,661 A lot has changed 35 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,363 since you last saw me. 36 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:38,765 I'm in a really good place. 37 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,268 And it is all thanks to an ancient book of wisdom 38 00:01:41,301 --> 00:01:44,671 I discovered that laid buried in Laszlo's 39 00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,508 library of precious volumes for years and years. 40 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,309 This book has 41 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:52,112 taught me to focus on what is really important, 42 00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:56,750 like who is okay and who is not okay. 43 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,485 Thank you for sharing, Guillermo. 44 00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,320 You are okay. 45 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:03,724 -I didn't say anything yet. -Then that is okay. 46 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:07,060 Okay. I want to talk about something very important. 47 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,196 If this about my sexual intercourse, 48 00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:11,031 I saw the doctor and took the test. 49 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:12,599 No, that was a Cosmo quiz that you took 50 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,735 called "Which Sex and the City Icon Are You?" 51 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,171 -And I was Kim Cattrall. -Ooh. 52 00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,172 -Ooh. - Now, I haven't got a clue who 53 00:02:18,205 --> 00:02:19,173 that is, but as long as she's sexy 54 00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:21,308 and down to fuck, bingo. 55 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:23,343 -Fine diagnosis. Okay, the thing I want to talk about is 56 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:24,711 -vampire safety. -Go on. 57 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,146 You're all becoming very sloppy 58 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,748 covering your vampirisms in public, okay? 59 00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:28,715 It's becoming very dangerous. 60 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,651 What is the big deal? 61 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,319 If anyone notices, we just hypnotize them 62 00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:33,687 -like we always do. No, 63 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,289 you've been doing that way too much lately. 64 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:39,126 Yes, but I have getting really okay at it. 65 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,728 -You okay? -I am fine. 66 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,264 No, no, no. No, no. 67 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:47,701 -You will all forget 68 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:51,305 that someone tripped and who it was. 69 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,173 I just fear that the hypnosis is making 70 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,675 the borough dumber and dumber. 71 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,611 We live in Staten Island. Nobody will notice. 72 00:02:57,644 --> 00:03:00,047 There are just some things you will never understand 73 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,783 -because you're not a vampire. - Yeah. 74 00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,551 - Very good point. - Precisely. 75 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,220 But even if I was a vampire, I-- 76 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,528 We are not laughing with you, we are laughing at you. 77 00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:16,363 You know what? Enough, okay? 78 00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,031 Don't count on me to always be here to protect you. 79 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,200 I'm not gonna be around forever. 80 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,269 Really? Where will you go, David Attenborough? 81 00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:23,303 Right now? -Yes. 82 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:25,372 -Out of this room. -Oh, finally. 83 00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,040 And that is okay. 84 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,376 Look, guys, please, can I just have, like, a minute? 85 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,144 Please, can-- You know what, fine. 86 00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,179 Fine. Let's get this over with. 87 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,414 Lock the door. 88 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,549 Lock the-- Please look the door. 89 00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:37,718 So, yeah, 16 days ago, 90 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,521 I made an impulsive decision to have Derek... 91 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,488 Make me a vampire. 92 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,756 Sure, man. 93 00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,360 -Oh. Whoa. Not yet, sorry. - Just a... 94 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,762 I know, but just gonna take my... 95 00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,297 -cardigan off. -Yeah, of course, of course. 96 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:51,632 Just don't want anything on it. 97 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,066 -My grandma gave it to me. -Mm. 98 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,268 And... 99 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:55,702 I was a little nervous at first, 100 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,605 and your first time I guess always... is? 101 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:01,675 Uh... Okay. 102 00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:02,543 -Here we are. -Yes. 103 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,677 -Yeah. -Yeah. 104 00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:06,713 I'm ready. 105 00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:10,751 Derek, 106 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,386 customer toilet is clogged again. 107 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,620 You know what? I got to take care of this. 108 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:14,788 Wait, what? Now? 109 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,523 If I don't do it now, people just go 110 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,325 on top of what's already there, and believe me, 111 00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:19,459 -then no one's happy. -Derek, 112 00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:21,628 later. After... 113 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:22,996 Oh, yes, of course, yes. 114 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:23,764 You know what? Trevor's always telling me 115 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:24,765 I have bad task management 116 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,033 skills, you know? 117 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,068 First, turn you into a vampire. 118 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,003 -Yes. -Then I'll clean the toilets. 119 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,605 I'm ready. 120 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:33,240 Derek moved in, 121 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,209 and finally-- 122 00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,614 What are you doing? 123 00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:45,485 Just... showing off your... your sound machine. 124 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,354 Why do you have it on 125 00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:50,190 "rainy night at the leaky castle" setting? 126 00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,159 -Ah... 127 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,361 The creatures of the night. 128 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:57,498 Such beautiful music they make. 129 00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:01,201 It also has a setting for "banshee wail" 130 00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:04,171 -It's white noise. -and "abandoned orphanage." 131 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,372 "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." 132 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:07,508 -Very creepy. -Master, is there something that 133 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,409 you needed to discuss with me? 134 00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,445 Yes. 135 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,514 There is. 136 00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,084 Guillermo... 137 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,753 we know why you have been acting so 138 00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:22,055 oddly lately. 139 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,524 -You do? -Mm. 140 00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,659 Are you-are you mad? 141 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,528 Yes. 142 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,164 We are mad at ourselves 143 00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,633 for forgetting your birthday. 144 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:36,336 I am okay and you are okay, but this is not okay. 145 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,471 For a human, 146 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,040 a birthday is a terrible day. 147 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:43,377 -We have forgotten his birthday. -Oh, yes. 148 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,579 No, I really don't think it's about his birthday. 149 00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:48,248 And if it is, what a bitch. 150 00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,617 -When is his birthday? -Uh... 151 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,686 I don't know, to be honest. 152 00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,288 Poor creatures only live for, like, 153 00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:57,090 two, 300 years, tops. 154 00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:58,992 So we are taking you out for a birthday dinner. 155 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,562 Change into your nicest shitty sweater 156 00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,497 -and we will see you at the restaurant. -What... 157 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,998 What restaurant? 158 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,739 So, full disclosure: 159 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:16,009 I am back in the workforce. 160 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,746 I'm Colin Robinson. I'll be taking your order today. 161 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:23,183 So, what are we thinking about munching on? 162 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:26,320 I decided to take a break from the office life. 163 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:29,723 How about we set you two up with some pro-sexy? 164 00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:32,559 It's a fun way of saying prosecco. 165 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,027 -Prosecco is... 166 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:37,030 Simply because the opportunities to feed 167 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:41,468 in the service industry are so incredible. 168 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,437 Dressing on the side. Ugh. 169 00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:45,405 Uh, I can ask the chef, 170 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:48,008 but it's probably a no go. 171 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,710 -I hate to see you cry. -I'm not crying. 172 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,211 I just... I want... 173 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,346 Pardon my reach. 174 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,681 Oops. 175 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,450 Just wanted to check in on you two, 176 00:06:56,483 --> 00:06:57,718 see how everything's tasting. 177 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,721 Think about desert. 178 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,289 -Strip steak. -Uh-huh. 179 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,590 Medium-well. 180 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:07,427 The Caesar salad but with no croutons. 181 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,696 Are you sure you're getting all this? 182 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,533 Yeah, I-I never write anything down. 183 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,035 I got it. I think I know you want. 184 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,436 Bon appétit. 185 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,307 Hey, folks, my name is Colin. 186 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,442 I'll be your server this evening. 187 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,311 Has your whole party arrived? 188 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:27,748 No. Tonight, Gizmo arrives upon an Uber. 189 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,551 -Mm-hmm. -Okay. They're really not supposed to 190 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,452 seat you until your entire party has arrived. 191 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,022 Can I ask you to go stand in the crowded alcove 192 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,690 where the cigarette smoke comes in? 193 00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:39,059 Fuck off. Just get us anything 194 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,727 so it looks like we're eating. 195 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:43,263 Okey dokey, jalapeño poppers, jalapeño poppers, 196 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,065 jalapeño poppers, 197 00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,434 and one more per la tavola. 198 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:51,004 Koúkla mou, do you want to come up and join us? 199 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,173 -No, I hate you and I want to die. 200 00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:55,142 When I was running the vampire nightclub 201 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,277 I may have got a little bit 202 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,446 too much into the old, uh, 203 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,314 liquor blood. 204 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:05,385 And then, one night, I got so shit off my faced... 205 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,555 ...that I sat on my dolly 206 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:11,158 and I minced her legs with my wagon. 207 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:12,993 Don't be such a Debbie Downer. 208 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:15,996 -Come and join in the human birthday party. -Yes, eh? 209 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,432 What you've done to my legs is unforgivable. 210 00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,001 Nadja absolutely crushed my lower body. 211 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,402 There's nothing wrong with my butt. 212 00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:24,738 Eh, I'll be the judge of that. 213 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,473 And Colin Robinson's solution 214 00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:30,010 is something I very much do not like. 215 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,579 Come on, you can be the queen of the restaurant, huh? 216 00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,580 -Push the button, my darling. - Don't you dare 217 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,449 press the button on my toe. 218 00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,150 Oh, come on, it's so fun. 219 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,752 -♪ I feel good... ♪ 220 00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:39,653 -No! I don't actually feel good at all! 221 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,722 ♪ I knew that I would, now... ♪ 222 00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:44,558 I will never forgive you for destroying my-- ♪ I feel good ♪ 223 00:08:44,591 --> 00:08:47,294 -Wow! Peekaboo! Queen of Soul in the house. -♪ So good... ♪ 224 00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,263 -Fuck-fuck-fuck you all! ♪ So good ♪ - I think so. 225 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:50,731 ♪ I got you. ♪ Ow! 226 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,332 -Ow! Stop! 227 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,434 Put me back under the table. 228 00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:56,703 -Oh, what have I done? -You know what you did. 229 00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,272 You're never going to forgive me, are you? 230 00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:00,474 Colin Robinson. 231 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:01,608 -Yes, sir? - Are those 232 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:05,179 "yalapeño" whatevers-- are they coming any time soon? 233 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047 Oh, I'll ask your server to check on those. 234 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,315 I thought you were our server. 235 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,050 I'm on break. 236 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,686 -My darling, what is on your mind? - Yes. 237 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:15,155 It's nothing, I just... 238 00:09:15,189 --> 00:09:16,690 I can't get something out of my mind that 239 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,659 that little pipsqueak Gizmo said about 240 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,562 not being around forever. 241 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,697 I mean, he could mean that he's gonna die soon. 242 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,265 -Right. -That's something that, uh, 243 00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:26,300 -humans do. All the time. 244 00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,135 Or he could get his old job 245 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,469 at Panera Bread back. 246 00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:31,538 That's another thing all humans do 247 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,540 -at some point. Or... -Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 248 00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:36,710 I suppose eventually, perhaps, he could... 249 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,414 ...become a vampire himself. 250 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,749 - -Fuck, no. 251 00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:46,186 -What an idiot. -It could happen. It could happen. 252 00:09:46,220 --> 00:09:48,622 I don't understand why. Why do you keep asking that? 253 00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:50,491 You were there, you saw what happened. 254 00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:51,391 -Why are we going to-- -Guillermo, we're just trying to 255 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,460 understand it from your point of view. 256 00:09:53,494 --> 00:09:54,695 Derek leaned in... 257 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:55,729 Wait, stop! 258 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,531 -Oh, what?! -Sorry. 259 00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:58,665 Have you done this before? 260 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,134 Yeah. Tons of ti-- 261 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,302 Like, many dozens of times. 262 00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:03,537 -Derek. -I'm-- No. 263 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,639 I haven't. No. Um, have you? 264 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,276 Why doesn't Andy just do this? 265 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,311 -Who? -Your master. 266 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,614 You mean Nandor? 267 00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,749 Oh-- Okay. 268 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,751 That clears up so much for me. 269 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,319 I mean, I kept thinking, 270 00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:21,421 "A vampire named Andy? That's so random." 271 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,623 It's not like he doesn't want to. 272 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,024 It's, like, he always says 273 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,193 he's gonna get around to it, you know? 274 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,028 He actually cares about me a lot, 275 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,296 and he does a lot of 276 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,431 -really nice things for me. -Oh. 277 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,304 Oh, sorry, I'm just pausing. 278 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,006 It's for the editors. 279 00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,440 They insert, probably, like, a cute montage or something, 280 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:42,409 of all the stuff he's done for me 281 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:45,078 -over the years, so, might take a second. -Okay. 282 00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:46,346 -Oh, okay. -Yeah. 283 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,721 Are you sure you want to do this? 284 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,623 Yes. 285 00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,425 No, I still absolutely want to be a vampire. 286 00:10:58,458 --> 00:10:59,593 I just didn't think it would 287 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,695 -happen like this. -Mm. 288 00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,564 I don't know, maybe it's, like, deep down inside, 289 00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:05,299 my psyche is just telling me that 290 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,035 I'm really not ready to, like-- 291 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,270 Oh, shit! What the fuck are you doing?! 292 00:11:10,304 --> 00:11:13,440 -Oh, oh, oh. 293 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:14,575 I'm sorry, I-I thought you said you were ready. 294 00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:16,410 I wasn't ready! 295 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:17,678 I heard "ready!" I just heard "ready!" 296 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,146 I think he hit an artery. 297 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,013 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 298 00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,315 ¡Puta madre! 299 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,317 Oh! 300 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,319 And it was just like... 301 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:29,223 Aah! Fucking shit! Oh! 302 00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:30,757 Be honest with me. Is it bad? 303 00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:31,992 Hold still, let me look. 304 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,560 Uh, yeah, it's bad. 305 00:11:33,594 --> 00:11:36,163 -Oh! ¡Puta madre! 306 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,397 Okay, I got to drink your blood. 307 00:11:37,431 --> 00:11:39,433 Ooh. That is gonna be a sticking point for me. 308 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,435 -Why is that? -Because I'm a bit of a fainter. 309 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,303 -I have low blood pressure. -What? 310 00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,740 If I'm being honest, you people can be real parasites. 311 00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,408 I mean, why do I need to repeat myself? 312 00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:50,310 You were there, you saw the blood. 313 00:11:50,344 --> 00:11:52,713 -Thank you so much, and I will be giving you five stars. -Yeah. 314 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,348 And you know what? I'm done. I'm off to my birthday dinner 315 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,415 when it's not really my birthday. 316 00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:56,583 Imagine Guillermo 317 00:11:56,617 --> 00:12:00,187 flying around in his little short legs. 318 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,322 -I enjoy that joke. -That's made my night. 319 00:12:02,356 --> 00:12:04,158 What's so funny? What'd I miss? 320 00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:06,260 Hey, gang. 321 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,997 Hi. Do you mind if I borrow? Thank you so much. 322 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,732 -That's me. -What's so funny? 323 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,567 Oh, nothing. 324 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,302 We were doing the joke where we imagine 325 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,738 that you have become a vampire. 326 00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:21,141 I don't know why that's so laughable. 327 00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,577 -Could you imagine Grahame as a vampire? -I know! 328 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,313 He would be just a little bat with diarrhea, like... 329 00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,482 Flying and then... 330 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,617 Why do I always shit in your scenarios? 331 00:12:30,651 --> 00:12:32,452 Guillermo, I'm sorry. Eventually, of course, 332 00:12:32,486 --> 00:12:34,755 I will definitely be turning you into a vampire 333 00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,456 when the time is right. 334 00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:38,125 But you got to admit, it's a funny image. 335 00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,728 With the big glasses. 336 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,164 Or a shitty woolen cape. 337 00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:45,599 What if-what if I didn't wait 338 00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,568 till I felt like you thought the time was right? 339 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,436 - What do you mean? What if, hypothetically, 340 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,039 walking down the street, and then Dracula-- 341 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:54,741 - -Dracula? He says, 342 00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:57,144 "Do you want me to make you into a vampire?" 343 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,113 And I said yes? 344 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:11,124 A familiar going to a vampire who is not his master 345 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,060 and asking him to turn him? 346 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,029 Now, I am a fan of edgy comedy, 347 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:18,665 but that is no laughing matter. 348 00:13:18,699 --> 00:13:20,033 I'm not entirely sure we should be 349 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,402 talking about any of this out loud. 350 00:13:22,436 --> 00:13:23,237 But it's okay. 351 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,705 I was just saying hypothetically. 352 00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:25,706 Hypothetically, 353 00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:27,007 what you are talking about 354 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,309 is the greatest humiliation 355 00:13:29,343 --> 00:13:32,145 a familiar could bestow upon his master. 356 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,682 If that were to happen, Guillermo... 357 00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,320 ...then I will kill you. 358 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,125 I would not like to do it, but I would have to do it. 359 00:13:45,159 --> 00:13:46,693 And then I would kill myself, 360 00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:49,163 which I would not like either. 361 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:51,698 There are some things about which 362 00:13:51,732 --> 00:13:54,134 we do not joke. 363 00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,269 Obee-kaybee. 364 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:59,173 I have six plates of veggie dumplings 365 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,574 and a chocolate pudding. 366 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:03,343 - That looks... Mm, brown. 367 00:14:03,377 --> 00:14:05,412 -Thank you. - ...like shit. 368 00:14:11,485 --> 00:14:15,422 Well, it was a nice dinner, so you have had a 369 00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,424 to distract you from the fact you will soon die. 370 00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,293 -You are welcome. -Hear, hear. Well said. 371 00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,295 And, for your birthday wish, 372 00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:24,064 we all promise to do a much better job 373 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,133 of blending in, as you requested. 374 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,302 I guess I'll see you back at the hou-- 375 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,137 Okay. I'm just gonna get some stuff at the mall. 376 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,540 What is "mawrl?" 377 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,311 I have heard - Oh, ho! 378 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,447 about this thing called mall. 379 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,717 But I thought it was a myth, a rumor, 380 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:47,421 a fairy tale made up by an insane child. 381 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,556 -This, I have to see. Maybe I shouldn't 382 00:14:49,590 --> 00:14:51,124 have mentioned anything about the mall. That's on me. 383 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,326 I take responsibility for that. 384 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:55,662 Okay, this is the mall. 385 00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:59,466 Just sit down and people-watch, do whatever you want 386 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,734 while sitting down. 387 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,070 I'm gonna get some new glasses and a footlocker 388 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,038 -and then we can go home. -It is rising! 389 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,039 That's an elevator. -Ah. 390 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:07,608 So just stay here. 391 00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:10,410 -Great. -Yes, we understand. Okay, great. 392 00:15:10,444 --> 00:15:12,412 -I'll be right back. - All right. Yeah. 393 00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:13,413 I'm gonna get you some new knickers. 394 00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:15,182 What is Sephora? 395 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,685 Gilly's Gifts. Very nice. 396 00:15:18,719 --> 00:15:21,188 This mall has a Guillermo's Gifts? 397 00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,190 Uh, I'm not sure. 398 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,559 That is fine. I will explore. 399 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:29,196 I would like you to tell me more about this product. 400 00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,198 Well, that's Shrek. -Great. 401 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,266 Ring me up. 402 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,067 And also... 403 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,703 I would like you to honor these special coupons. 404 00:15:36,737 --> 00:15:39,039 I will honor this coupon 405 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,607 for a free oil change 406 00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:44,144 that expired 18 years ago, 407 00:15:44,178 --> 00:15:46,346 -Yes. -and this one that's 408 00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:50,117 just a cut-out photo of Ryan Seacrest from a magazine. 409 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,321 -Will it work? -Yes, of course it will work. 410 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,257 We are going to fix this, and this is how we do it. 411 00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:59,159 Sorry about that. 412 00:15:59,193 --> 00:16:01,161 -So, did we make a selection? -Yes. 413 00:16:01,195 --> 00:16:03,730 I am looking for the exact proportions of 414 00:16:03,764 --> 00:16:07,434 Venus herself when her pussy was serving witches tea, 415 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,137 nipples so sharp they're on the most wanted list, 416 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,439 and a taint that can sign its own checks. 417 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,710 Uh... I meant more like, which hat did you want? 418 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:20,080 Oh, yes. Rainbow sombrero for sure. 419 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,281 - Okay. 420 00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:23,584 -What is wrong now? 421 00:16:23,617 --> 00:16:26,687 You didn't even ask for my opinion. 422 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,422 What the hell are you talking about? 423 00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,724 Did you not hear what I said about the taint? 424 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:33,393 Malls are fascinating places full of fascinating things. 425 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:36,697 That's a baby village. 426 00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:38,465 Makes sense to keep them all in one place. 427 00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:39,666 That's called London Shoes. 428 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,702 Now, if those shoes were really from London, 429 00:16:41,735 --> 00:16:43,403 they'd be covered in shit. 430 00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,305 Bikini Warehouse. 431 00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:48,041 -Must be a front for a brothel. Excuse me. 432 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:50,577 -Hi. Would you like to sample our new scent, Noir? -No, fuck off. 433 00:16:50,611 --> 00:16:53,313 Can't be sidetracked with cheap sex potions. 434 00:16:53,347 --> 00:16:54,715 Question still remains. 435 00:16:54,748 --> 00:16:56,416 What is Gizmo up to? 436 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:07,694 Hyah! 437 00:17:07,728 --> 00:17:10,430 Prepare to be pillaged! 438 00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,566 -Laszlo! -Shut up. 439 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,168 -I found John! -Idiot. 440 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,435 - It's John! -Fucking idiot. 441 00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:19,306 Make this thing go faster! 442 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:22,075 That was, uh, some pretty heavy stuff at dinner, huh? 443 00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:26,413 Just stuff I did not even, I didn't even... 444 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,016 ...know. 445 00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:32,486 Sorry. 446 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,322 Where was I? Um... 447 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:38,025 I was hemorrhaging profusely, uh, about to die. 448 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:40,160 -You good? Yeah. 449 00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:42,062 -Yeah, I think so. -Well, that's good. 450 00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:44,198 -'Cause I haven't done it yet. -Oh, dude. 451 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,066 Other people's blood I'm fine with. 452 00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:48,168 But the sight of my own? No, thank you. 453 00:17:48,202 --> 00:17:49,436 You know, when I think about fainting, I faint. 454 00:17:51,605 --> 00:17:53,707 It's really hard to break the skin. 455 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,576 -Um... -I'm running out of time here, buddy. 456 00:17:55,609 --> 00:17:57,711 Here. Why don't you slice me up with this box cutter? 457 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,313 Are you sure? It's gonna hurt. 458 00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,648 -I'm a vampire. I think I can handle it. -Okay. 459 00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,153 -Did you do it? -Yeah, I did. 460 00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,187 -But don't look because-- -Don't look at what? 461 00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:08,188 -Oh, shit. -No, Derek. 462 00:18:08,222 --> 00:18:09,523 No. 463 00:18:15,429 --> 00:18:18,465 The deed is done. The die is cast. 464 00:18:18,499 --> 00:18:20,300 There's no turning-- 465 00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:33,347 Derek. Toilet again. 466 00:18:34,715 --> 00:18:36,183 Oh... 467 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:37,718 Okay, sorry, dude, I got to go take care of this. 468 00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:40,287 Oh, shit. Dude? 469 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,689 -Dude? 470 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,695 So, yeah. 471 00:18:50,731 --> 00:18:51,999 That's where we're at. 472 00:18:57,070 --> 00:18:58,205 It seems to be 473 00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,740 a process. 474 00:18:59,773 --> 00:19:03,443 I thought the transformation would be faster, 475 00:19:03,477 --> 00:19:05,579 but I haven't drank blood. 476 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:07,214 I can still eat human foods. 477 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,984 In fact, my appetite for very rare meat is ravenous. 478 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,623 My teeth are totally normal and... 479 00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:18,692 I don't feel any sexier. 480 00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,961 I can still go out into the sun. 481 00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:26,033 I can't fly or turn into a bat. 482 00:19:26,066 --> 00:19:27,034 Yet. 483 00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,569 Bat! 484 00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,070 Human form. 485 00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:31,438 I thought the transformation 486 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,741 would be overnight, but it's been 16 days. 487 00:19:34,775 --> 00:19:36,577 Which is why I've been keeping it a secret. 488 00:19:38,078 --> 00:19:39,546 I was kind of holding off for that big 489 00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:41,615 "wow factor" for the reveal, but at this point, 490 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,450 I don't even think I should tell them because-- 491 00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,586 Mr. de la Corz? -Uh, so sorry about that. 492 00:19:45,619 --> 00:19:46,587 De la Cruz? That's me. 493 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,188 -De la Cruz. -Hi. 494 00:19:48,222 --> 00:19:49,590 How long have you been wearing glasses 495 00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:50,624 with this prescription? 496 00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:52,426 Oh, since I was three or four? 497 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:53,994 I-I don't know who screwed up here, 498 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,130 but you actually don't need glasses at all. 499 00:19:57,164 --> 00:19:58,532 According to the eye exam you just did, 500 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,667 you have 20/20 vision. 501 00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:02,402 It's actually better than 20/20 vision. 502 00:20:02,436 --> 00:20:03,704 -Whoa. -Yeah. 503 00:20:03,737 --> 00:20:06,039 Well, that is... 504 00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:09,009 a super power. 505 00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,445 -Wow, that's... Wow. -So, right now, you're wearing 506 00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,714 a very strong prescription for no reason. 507 00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:15,048 -Let's stop doing that. -Let's stop doing that. 508 00:20:15,082 --> 00:20:16,216 -Yeah. -Yeah, okay. 509 00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:18,452 Would it be possible to just get a pair 510 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,153 without a prescription? 511 00:20:20,187 --> 00:20:21,355 Just, I don't want people to think 512 00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:24,291 I look... different. 513 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:27,027 Uh, yeah. Sure. You want the same frames or... 514 00:20:32,199 --> 00:20:34,168 Did you enjoy your birthday? 515 00:20:34,201 --> 00:20:36,069 It was all right, Master. 516 00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:37,304 I guess I wasn't really that hungry. 517 00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,439 And that is okay. 518 00:20:39,473 --> 00:20:40,741 Do the other side. 519 00:20:40,774 --> 00:20:43,343 -Master? -Mm-hmm? 520 00:20:43,377 --> 00:20:45,579 If I accidentally 521 00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:48,015 got made into a vampire... 522 00:20:48,048 --> 00:20:49,049 -Mm-hmm? -by somebody else, 523 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,584 you wouldn't really... 524 00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,152 kill me, would you? 525 00:20:53,487 --> 00:20:55,155 Accidentally, you say? 526 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:59,993 -Yes. -Not intentionally? 527 00:21:00,761 --> 00:21:04,398 No, I guess... not. 528 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:07,668 I'd still have to kill you. What choice would I have? 529 00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:11,171 What about "vampire shall not kill other vampire"? 530 00:21:11,205 --> 00:21:13,207 Guillermo, I don't like 531 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,475 hypothetical brain-ticklers before bedtime. 532 00:21:15,509 --> 00:21:17,177 -You know this. -Right. 533 00:21:17,211 --> 00:21:19,179 Makes my head heat up. 534 00:21:19,213 --> 00:21:24,084 How's about a nice bedtime story? 535 00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,321 Okay. I did see this very interesting movie 536 00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:28,722 the other night. 537 00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:31,658 -Oh, tell me. -It was about this guy. 538 00:21:31,692 --> 00:21:34,161 -And he got turned into a vampire. 539 00:21:34,194 --> 00:21:35,696 -Really? -Yeah. 540 00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,331 But then he realizes that maybe 541 00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:40,701 he wasn't ready to be turned into a vampire. 542 00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:41,702 Why not? 543 00:21:43,370 --> 00:21:45,038 He had his reasons. But then 544 00:21:45,072 --> 00:21:46,673 he tries to find a way to 545 00:21:46,707 --> 00:21:48,675 stop the process of becoming a vampire and rever-- 546 00:21:48,709 --> 00:21:50,043 Guillermo, please. 547 00:21:50,077 --> 00:21:52,579 I don't like science-fiction stories 548 00:21:52,613 --> 00:21:54,581 before bedtime either. 549 00:21:54,615 --> 00:21:57,551 -Yeah. -That reminds me. 550 00:21:57,584 --> 00:21:59,720 I got you a birthday present. 551 00:21:59,753 --> 00:22:02,289 I heard you when you said you wanted a footlocker. 552 00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:04,158 So I got you 553 00:22:04,191 --> 00:22:06,693 a footlocker. 554 00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:08,729 Thank you, Master. -Yes. 555 00:22:08,762 --> 00:22:11,732 You are welcome. Close the lid. 556 00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:25,045 Being a vampire is 557 00:22:25,078 --> 00:22:26,346 no different than being a human. 558 00:22:26,380 --> 00:22:29,550 We're all just doing what it takes to survive. 559 00:22:33,086 --> 00:22:35,689 We go on about our day. 560 00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:36,723 Blend in. 561 00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,527 Act like everyone else. 562 00:22:43,297 --> 00:22:45,566 But the truth is 563 00:22:45,599 --> 00:22:47,534 we're all just hiding in plain sight. 564 00:22:49,736 --> 00:22:54,041 ♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪ 565 00:22:54,074 --> 00:22:57,744 ♪ Whispers in the dark with you ♪ 566 00:22:57,778 --> 00:23:01,014 ♪ Secrets in the moonlight ♪ 567 00:23:02,249 --> 00:23:06,086 ♪ Silent fire kiss or two ♪ 568 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:09,590 ♪ When there are moonbeams ♪ 569 00:23:09,623 --> 00:23:14,561 ♪ Dancing on your cheek ♪ 570 00:23:14,595 --> 00:23:18,065 ♪ My darling, every dream ♪ 571 00:23:18,098 --> 00:23:19,666 ♪ I've ever had ♪ 572 00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:23,303 ♪ Comes true ♪ 573 00:23:23,337 --> 00:23:28,075 ♪ When I share secrets in the moonlight ♪ 574 00:23:28,108 --> 00:23:43,423 ♪ With you. ♪ 575 00:23:43,473 --> 00:23:48,023 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0